And you light me up,when you ring a bell

I have been hearing so much about people feeling so lost lately. I just wonder how am I suppose to help them feel better. When Im hearing him talk about his previous girlfriend,I cant help but feel sad. ''it hurts so bad you know.....'' Why wouldnt I know,I assume I know it all so well.

I have lost people whom I love and still care for. They might not be in my life but I still care,from wherever Im. Sometimes,I just wish we were friends again.

I miss our connection, especially how we could talk for hours. I miss how genuine everything felt and mostly,I miss you. If anyone were to come talk to me about this,I promise I'll never give you the plz-dont-talk-about-it-anymore face. I know how you feel.

Found somebody worthy

Thoughts started streaming in when I laid in bed last night. My day was pretty much taxing on me especially cause I had to juggle between work and school. Nevertheless,I know it will be good experience for me. I've been strong,so strong.

"why is this happening to me'...I dont seem to know how to confide in anyone anymore..I just think alot,way alot more than I usually did. I always see my life as a novel, a story at play and Im the leading actress in it. The rest of the world is my audience and sometimes they see a clearer picture. At most events,I just get so carried away by the plots I've unknowingly let myself through that emotional ride.

I've been crying so hard deep down inside.I wonder if keeping things inside of me will somehow lead to depression someday and Im serious. Putting up a front of everyone has been going on like a routine and coming home to only feel like I need to explode.

I've got great people around me and you will never have an idea when I say that. They're so good they'd do anything and everything to make life a little better. In fact,they are the sole reason why I'll still carry on with the rest of my life.

Somethings been missing lately. I know I have lost a few things and people I loved but over a few times have I convinced myself its only inevitable. I have gotten thru that and smile when I look back and sometimes,I feel thankful. Maybe time is what I need to get used to the lost I had recently. Pretty soon,it will be so numb I will forget it actually happened.

I wonder alot how my audience look at me. Do they sense some agony beneath that face.

Lucky to be in love in everyway not.

Today should be a fucking special day of my life NOT cause of all time I had to bump into Sean after work. No wait actually I only caught a second glimpse of him and very instantly i jumped into cab followed by the door which I have used my entire strength on. Poor cab.

Myles and luci caught up and ..I realised I didnt have courage to look back. Im so drained juggling between school and work right now and the last thing I wanna be is miserable. I really dont have the courage to react when i see Sean so I dont want to see him again,not for now at least.

We didnt even have love. Anyway,its just a phase seriously.
It just makes me look back and conclude that your words are so empty.

thoughts

I thought we were forever,but eventually he left.
Met new people,bunch of good genuine people...
Found life,found meaning to it.
Had exams,lots of crucial events.
Made it thru somehow,not really sure thou.
Begining to have alot of mixed feelings about things.
Got lost along the way.
Turned to mybestfriend.
Things got better eventually.
Always thinking that,Im alone.
Eventually,I concluded....everyone else was feeling alone.
Wonder if its normal to feel helpless at times.
Then I found him.
Lost him.
Felt tears and emotion after a really long time.
Got back up really quickly.
Inevitably,everything lingers.
Starting to doubt that meaning in life.
Lost the drive again along the way.
Couldnt really deal with the whole up-down thing in life.
Worked my thoughts away.
Frolicked
Stress about school and work.
Juggle both,can I?
Starting to feel really angry about somethings.
People like you,dont understand at all.
Understanding is a virtue.The sooner you know the better.
As such is my life.

Baby thats the best of me

'I will literally break his heart for you.."
Im so glad Josh and Dian are finally back. We met up yesterday to celebrate Jonas's bday. Only 4 of us and Zh because we wanted a really small gathering..the'take and go' gathering. Josh got me chandu from disney,its so fucking adorable and I m going to leave the tag on so people know its disney. Dian got me this postcard and what really matters was the content in it although i have no idea why there was french in it. Cb like I will ever understand haha.

Anyway I've been neglecting some of my friends/bestfriend recently. I have been so busy at work and I have been juggling my social life in the most horrid manner.Im not trying to say I have so many people in my life and all that..no I really dont. Just that in some part of my life,I have new people entering and some getting closer...as much as I would really like to make eveyone feel that they are very significant to me,there's only so much I can do.

Occasionally I'll try to call and write little notes to tell you guys how much you mean to me ..I hope my friends will know it somehow.

I realised Im fucking alone sometimes,seriously. Especially when problems start bombarding on me,I'll never know who I can turn to. People always have this mindset that I have many other great people around so I wont be of much help anyway. Everyone,I mean everyone thinks this way...and what happens is,Im just left with nobody.

On every other day,I always seem to be the happiest girl with no problems. In front of people I am barely left with a choice but to shove all my emotions to the back of my mind. I feel so different from before...I have to always come home and let out my sorrows cause there's no where else I can throw them to.

Sighs,perhaps its better this way..Feeling pretty numb about everything and problems just run away on its own somehow.I'll work and just meet people I really love..I only have 2 hands to juggle my life. Aint superwoman so i have to stop acting like one.

Lastly,I love you Alicia. You're one of the most special people to me in my life,one rank just below family. I really feel like we dont spend alot of time together and that really sucks. I'll call you out as much as I can when Im off duty..hopefully then we'll have more time together. No one else in my life is quite like you because you are my best friend, best listener and mostly because you support me in whatever Im doing. I know that clearly cause since Sec 2,you've always been there to catch me. When me and Yj broke off, you were out shopping with me and I'll never forget that. Went I came back from hk, I was so touched when I saw the letter that you mailed to me. I know you care so much about me and Im really sorry if we really didnt spend much time during the holidays.

Shine on.

Recently life has thrown me into this hurricane til now when I have decided to pull myself out of it. Felt alot like I was being pulled from the edge of the cliff and now Im taking a full breather. Its going to be better. Priscilla Siah you hear,you must be better.

For one, dont shed tears for boys because they are insensitive creatures and in reality they dont know anything about hurting people.
Thank god you were the one hurt...would be ugly if its the other way around,so you should be thankful.
Most importantly,you're absolutely not a loser. You've everything you need to back you up plus whats there to lose out. Welcome to the world,you've just come closer in terms with jerks.
Sean's a good boy,so good a boy you're just fortunate to have met him...too bad he's not ready for you. Whatever it is,you shouldnt be expecting anything,life's like that.
This is life..and now..its just a flick of a dust. You can deal with it.
What is this.

Now,where's the life I led,the carefree and oh so happy life. Just get it back,its just whether you want to.

Its going to be ok, I tried,I've cried and now Im moving on. Trying is so important to me and now Im just happy and proud of myself,proud to know that I've never given up trying for the things I want..and I guess that has to matter more than the outcome. The learning,the process all the way to being stronger.

Ditch the bad thoughts,they are indeed unneccessary.However,remember love. Love is the reason why the world always seem to be so beautiful. Its love in the world that makes life so meaningful and dont give up for the search for it..it willl be worth it someday.
For now,work for Frolick and look good.

Aint nothing but a heartache.

Thanks you so much,now i wont know what I'll do without you.

Pullat: If you want to hld on to something,make the best out of it and treat it like you'll lose it tomorrow. You'll never know when that similar opportunity would rise up again my dear.Im telling you cos I know and I've been through enough to tell you. I've lost people I thought I'll have forever,i lost some to death,to other men and even to myself.Im not saying you should do anything and everything you can to make things between you and Sean work,what Im saying is that no matter what ever decision you make,dont regret/

Tell me how do you do.

I have never felt so upset in so long, never felt so restless over everything. All I wanted to do was cry and let it all out but I couldnt. Since yj,I havent cried at all. Sometimes it really feels like I have used up every bit of agony for yj. I have seen myself look so shag because I wont eat or sleep...i just lay there in bed crying everybit of what I had. I had to cry until I fugured I could be doing something better. When i figured Yj wouldnt feel any different even if he knew how badly i was crying for him at that point in time,I decided for a change.

Since then, there seems to be nothing in life to cry about. When I think of heartbreaking incidents,I could go thru about almost any pain. Like an injection for example...I would barely feel it. Be it whether its friendship or family...I felt almost numb towards everything. Knowing that things happen for a reason and knowing that someday everything will fall back in place again...I wouldnt even bother sheding a tear unless its worth it. Unlike before,tears come like a running tap and it meant nothing,only an emotion.

Last night,it was a night filled with mixed emotions and I couldnt even juggle my own thoughts. I didnt know how to straighten out my own thinkings an it was really bad. But i couldnt cry...my eyes were completely dry. All i do was sat there..and like always,think.
Think of those stupid curfews that were imposed on me. Think of junk. Think of Sean mostly and think of what have gone wrong. I thought of my decisions and how wrong Im to be reviewing them all over again.

Then again,its been long since I felt like this for someone. At that point,I just wanted to talk to you and let you know how I feel. People ask me to talk to you but I dont know why I wont.I am pretty sure this isnt about an ego problem because Im the kind of person that would throw my dignity right smack on the ground to salvage anything,be it a friendship or love. Its about making a decision and standing firm on it because its the best for me.

I feel weak and useless because I cant do all that. I feel stupid for liking you after telling you to end it. I felt even more stupid when Samantha told me'u dont have to be in love when you are going into a r/s...being in a r/s makes you fall in love. I felt I have been shot right up in my ass instantly. Just how can I not know that? For all the things I have been thru,for all the saint moments that I 've been acting like a love guru and now I couldnt even figure that our earlier!?

Today I will have to publish this post so that I'll always be reminded of my own rashness and stupidity. Im a very selfish person,selfish enough to only think about my own good. I deserve every bad karma that life could hit me with. I'll stick with my policy now..to move on and not bringing up the past as much as I can. Love and lost is inevitable. I am just lucky to have met someone like you,so genuine and kind towards me. I dont want to expect anything more from you...I just wanna thank god now for once letting me have you.

You taught me more.

I miss you.

I miss you Sean and Im really sorry.

In search for a love that never existed.

Myles was just saying..." Sean was really upset over the whole incident". Oh yeah? Really? Then why cant you just talk to me? Im waiting for you to talk to me about things!! Walking away is so fucking easy and its what a blooody idiot would do seriously. I'll give you, us another one week. If we still dont get to talk,lets just end it for real and be friends.

If you think I was harsh,god you were just as harsh to me. Think about it..just how many girls can get thru this without frustrations.

Seriously,Im never getting back to this whole thing if you dont have that will to fight back for it.

You spin my head right round right round.

We have not spoken for the longest time. You're just another...guy.
But sadly to say,Im finally thru with you. Since we are done fighting or should i say we didnt even fight hard enough then lets just fuck it all ok.

Fuck and I really did like you Sean. Why the fuck.