Sunday was so unproductive. But well my mum left for real. Control my diet so well today and thats probably the only thing im happy about. Went to siglap to get my fringe trimmed and its fucking awful now im just wondering if people would still befriend me. How.

Then it started pouring and it wasnt funny anymore cause I was feeling like crap. Met Aly and Alvin at town to chill and the we had a long bus journey back to icecreamchefs. Must be the bus journeys that made me so pissed somehow..But still we had fun so it makes it all up. Sean came suddenly and I was...too shock to even give a reaction so I just stoned. He was the same old Sean, same smile and the same old gitters that he gave me. He pullled a chair right beside and at that point of time I swear I just wanted to run. Run from this life sentence of guilt..I just couldnt.

It was the same awkwardness that people would give after an incident. I didnt want it man,I fucking missed him and I wanted to let him know it so bad. Its my ego right now because i hate making first steps and worse still,its not even my fault this time..
Why does my day have to end like this fuck

I am not only going on HBO.

Im going to eat less and lose some weight...Seriously. Only has eggs and cereal the entire day today and Im starving!! Popping gum to ease the hunger.

I ned to whine about how many thousand things I need besides a decent job. I want the fossil collection,the limited edition wallet to be specific. A new ipod nano would work fine and the 9west bag!!!!!! OMG...plz fall from heaven..pretty please?

I wanna go night blading with Dom and Aly tmr,have a good party for Sean on monday and a farewell for josh on tuesday. Must.make.it.happen.

Guess what,no curfew at all. Now its all self-control. Watch me

Lighting up this cigg makes you happy.

Today i was god damn happy. Life can only start picking up from here...and yea I can so vividly remember what you'd say to me."Things can only get better from now,hang in there"
Been walking for 7 straight hours and spent rather minimal today but good buys thou!! Really appreciated the company of Yuanlin cept that I always feel so breathless when i get home. We can never run of things to say,never. One of the most genuine friendship I have..it definitely gotta be you. Haha,you'll never see this paragraph cause I know you hate chessy. Being with you for a long time, somehow makes me feel like I m starting to hate chessy too.

I feel like I can be anything when Im around you cause you dont jugde. What Im has already been embedded into that tiny brains of yours a long time ago haha and we're cool like that. We'd still laugh and miss the times being partners. How things started,how i chose our friendship and knowing that its one of the best decisions in my lifetime. Where's Jimson,we dont feel complete sometimes. haha.

In case you ever make your way here,I love you 4r5 bestf. Im not chessy,just as always,very cliche.

I feel so fortunate today. I feel like Im so blessed,blessed to be able to love you.

I will love you more.

I always thought, what we had was pretty amazing. Dont know how people usually deal with it but I smile when I think of it. The spur to move,is thoughts of love..how it made me strong.
I wont let you down.

Mail.

RE: ‏
From:
priscilla siah (priscilla_virgo@hotmail.com)
Sent:
05 December 2007 00: 25AM
To:
loke yan jie (yanjie_91@hotmail.com)

Hey love,i really thanks god we spoke yesterday.It was really awesome for me,I mean to hear you and i really long for a talk like that.Anyway,I love you okay,I wanna love you till the end of my life.I am gonna try my utmost best to meet you in Japan,you better try to call at least.I will call you the day before we leave which is on sunday!Oh and we are watching Jay chou's concert on that day itself..Cant believe it shit. Okay take care love

From: yanjie_91@hotmail.com
To: priscilla_virgo@hotmail.com
Subject: RE:
Date: Mon, 3 Dec 2007 15:13:23 +0000

hey, i know you have done your part to try..if i was given a chance by my parents i would definitely do the same..and relationships do get hard especially not seeing you for some time..i hope you get that point..i just feel that being like this is really unbearable for me and i think you hould know my character by now..i do always think of you..and its good in a way but thinking about the fact that youre still so far away and yet to be able to see you makes me really blue..im like working OT everyday just to tire myself and not think SO MUCH about you..i wonder if you did see my last msg before i logged off..and i really didn't presume all that i said..i said it SEEMS like cause i do feel that way and if you think that its really to hard convincing me, im really sorry cause i have not been a good bf of late..and i hope you don't hold a grudge against me..im already trying to be better..i think of you everyday..not being able to be with you..and hear you really sucks..but quarreling is a process of really knowing each other that further bit..and i hope we are both honest with each other..thats all im asking..

From: priscilla_virgo@hotmail.com
To: yanjie_91@hotmail.com
Subject: RE:
Date: Mon, 3 Dec 2007 14:53:44 +0000


Hey Yj,I just wanna let you know that the things you said to me yesterday was kinda hurtful and unreasonable.How could you be presumming so much about everything sometimes,dont you feel that its a little unfair to me? You dont know how much i miss you babe,taking the trouble to beg my parents to make a call/sms just to let you know i miss you.Does little things like that still even mean something to you?Sometimes i do take sometime to reply you on msn but thats because i am doing something else at the same time and replying my emails,but that does not mean i dont give a damn about you.I care,seriously.I mean if you could lose faith so easily..and it has only been a week..maybe you should consider handling this relationship babe. I wish you well.

Lucky I'm in love with my bestfriend.

I really wonder if you have regretted every step you made. I dont know how I was feeling, i just know I had to tell you the truth. You have not been there for me,not in my darkest days when I needed you the most. You would just hide away from everything,simply because you were feeling fucked up. You didnt let me help you,or at the very least,give me a clue about what was going on. No,none of it..we were both just practically struggling with what we had.

I hate it when people feel sorry,I hate it more when people run out of things to say. I didnt fully agree that I m the one who is gaining all the sympathy votes and all that...No,it didnt work that way. One thing I've learnt,its 2 to make every mistake happens.

I think I've said quite enough last night. Thanks for just letting me hurl everything out at one go. Think its better this way. You dont have to worry for me,this is nothing. I mean,it kinda feels more like a relief for me. So now I know,there's no longer anything to expect anymore. I just have to be really strong for myself and its not difficult because I've already gona thru worse.

The simplest things in life,are the hardest to get.
A break..yeah thats it. Nothing's going to change my mind when its set.
I propose, we just look forward to whats installed in our future,love.

Lights will guide you home

I think the only one who would probably find his way here would be Ekjun huh. Kk,maybe some other smart people that will never let me know of. Anyway, everything said here isnt like a bitchfit place or anything, more of somewhere I feel more comfortable placing my thoughts to. Thoughts that have always been running through my mind and would be better off keeping it to myself.

Anyway
1) Im very single.
People out there can choose to spread shit and see and say things they want to. Nothing with Xy,nothing with Sean and other rumours..i dont even know where they came from.

2) I m positively sure about having a break from you and the r/s. You,Yj. That doesnt mean I dont love or care for you. I just need this space,a huge space in fact. I dont wanna hear of anything more because Im good this way.

Thank you for giving me a call after 2 months. I was tossing and turning in almost every difficult sleeping positions. I was so darn sick I could feel the shivers traveling thru my body and I had difficulty even while I was talking to you. But I wanted to,simply because you dont always pick up your courage to talk to me.

Being barely alive,I could hardly recall anything by now. I just know...if true love really exists,time isnt the matter. So for now, be strong for your own. I would always want the best for you. Alot might have changed around us,crash and burn this faint heart will remain the same just for you.

3) I was falling for Sean and I would be a bitch to deny that. Dating?yeah probably. But he blew it this time. I am so sick and tired of everything. You gave me good times but I dont see you when Im facing the bad. You can stick around and talk to me about how you wanna make my world go round and all. But really,snap back to reality for a little. Words are just words,its not that Im belittling them,you just dont prove it to me.

You always think that I just dont wanna let my past behind and all but to be honest,it two different things altogether. For one, I may love my past but that does not mean that Im not willing to move on.

I figured we're both better off this way. Yes no doubt,we can keep trying..but the day you're still like that...we'll come to nothing. Thank you for accepting me so well for everything Im and even my past,I thank you for everything...but now,gimme a break.

Me you and my medication.

1 shot of baileys killed my trip. I never threw up in such a long time,not in such a disgusting way. I would be so turn off if I were a guy,seriously. Everything's getting to me,now the flu. I threw up in Phuket, destroyed the ATV and oh dropped my slipper while i was on the elephant. Im pretty awesome you cant deny that.

Now Im just one sickly dog. I just came back from Alfred's awesome bday. Was really goood plot and i wish i had it for my own.Haha kidding.

Anyway I was having like a a whole train of thoughts every single night before i head off to dreamland. I would wanna pen it down so badly but I can hardly recall. I was having beautiful thoughts us and wondering if you still think about me from time to time because...I 've always kept a piece of you in my mind. I always wished you knew that no matter who I may be with right now,you know I still keep that far distant love we have. Sucks to say this and I have confessed to Sean how bloody unfair it is but I'll always care alot about you.

It sucks for me cause I cant be there as your bestest friend,not like how you promised many times before. It all wouldnt be worth it if everything voices down to completely nothing..
Maybe someday,you'll remember.

There's many wonders left inside of me and you.

I was thinking more of...I hate commitments.

this solitary moment makes me wanna come back home.

The results are released..somehow everyone got the news except me because I refuse to sign up for the sms thing. Somehow,its better to be the last to know about things like that. Hmm,think I have really put in my best so whatever the outcome,fuck it.

For people who did well,I feel genuinely happy for you all. For those who didnt, there's always company and I might be one of them. So yea, the point is..now we know who has promoted to year 2.1.

Anyway today's a very... weird day I must say. I ruin every single plans that I have to just be at home. I didnt feel like there was a need to be outside or meet anyone,in fact the only thing I wanna do is to see my grandmother..which I m going to do so later. There are so many things running through my mind since last night,after Aly spoke to me. Am I really a very indecisive person? How come life isnt allowing me to just throw things aside and be selfish.

Responsibilities,yes just what life is all about right now. Im downright the least of anything responsible man honestly,Im better at pushing it away. People dont realise that but guess..you know some do,they just cover up for me all the time.
Time and time again, the question of what Im doing in my life,hits me so hard. Whether or not am I doing the right thing...
Up to where Im right now,I m still so uncertain about so many stuff. I feel better,definitely but still just having a lot of doubts about myself.

Anyway till then,when I come to a decision. Sean,are you thinking about this the same,I wonder alot.

Either way I found out,Im nothing without you.

Joshua,I just hope you're ok. How can this be happening to you,you dont even deserve a single bit of this. Anything and everything just for your recovery bestfriend. You promised me you're gonna give me another 10 years of your bull and you better keep your words. You know how Im like when people dont fulfil what they tell me. Be strong for me and I'll be strong for you.

Haven you heard?How we rock each other's world.

So right now,Im just taking some time off chilling and doing the things that I have been wanting to do for awhile. Im one week into my holidays and everything has been so hectic.Think I have been pushing myself alot this time. It might be a good idea to just slow down the pace of my life while I can and spend more time being at home.
Anyway,there's like a party at my place now and there are like a thousand people i dont wanna know at my place....hm.
Its really difficult getting a job at this time,with all the bullshit economic reasons so yeah I have decided to take up some voluntary work.
& finally,I'll be taking a break from the world next week. The long awaited holiday for 4 good days.

Yesterday Sean called me at 11.30pm and he asked me to come out of my house. & so i did. Gave me a white rose that he claimed,wouldnt die forever. I was just..utterly lost for words,pretty much on the verge of being touched to tears.
Nothing was coming thru my mind,only fear. I didnt know how it was like to be in love,I didnt know how to love.It wouldnt be fair if he is not getting the same,would it?
'I cant go because I dont want you feeling like shit"

3,2,1 fall into my arms now.

2 days ago,Luci,Myles,Manfred,Sean,Sim,Sherman,Jy and me when for this audtion for the pizza hut commercial. So far only Luci and myles were called back and Im really happy for them. Well,the rest of us are prolly disappointed cause we couldnt earn the extra bucks but we had alot of fun running the audition. I mean how many times do you even get called up for a trial like this right??Its my blessing and plus I got to see felicia chin in person. Manfred was being the huge dick like always..making fun of me during the shooting,really couldnt help but let out the laughter.

I re-pierced my tragus. Got a studed braclet at 3 bucks and a new shorts.Speaking of that,my job hunt wont stop till i get something!! The last time I worked was last week? The sex talk job at east spring secondary school. The pay was like 10 bucks an hour man,too bad it was only a 3 hour session.Have to really thank Arjun one day for such good work pays.

Today's a lost and found day. Sean dropped his phone off at the cab and the nice uncle returned it back.I dropped my wallet at the cinema and somehow able to retrieve it back. Went to sign back up for my dance class,something which I have been planning to do for the longest time. Leong joined us the whole time and we decided to watch Marley and me to pass our time. Freaking hell,I tried damn hard to hold my tears back but the show's really good man.It has been long since I went into a cinema,really.
-
Yesterday I was just telling him how no one can break a broken heart.The only way to fix a broken heart is to have a place in it to start with. I have been thinking alot about,us.Knowing that,Im just not ready for anything. Honestly,I cant even decide whether or not am I falling in love with you. Being in love is a special feeling,one that I will never be able to forget. Thats why I say,I'll know it when I give my heart away.

Love is change,a good change. It changes your life and most importantly changes the way you live your life and how you look at your life. When I was in love the last time, I knew and saw myself thru every change that happen. I dont even regret a single change because I always know its all in the name of love. There's something to look forward to at the start of every morning,something to work for at the end of it...the feeling is just beyond contentment.

I dont know about this and as long as Im still not sure of what I want,i wont take another step because I dont want you hurt. Still,I really enjoy being with you so much. The connection we have and how we are able to talk for hours and not get tired. Most of all,knowing that we are in this together..it does feels alot better.
You wont see this anyway :)