Tell me how do you do.

I have never felt so upset in so long, never felt so restless over everything. All I wanted to do was cry and let it all out but I couldnt. Since yj,I havent cried at all. Sometimes it really feels like I have used up every bit of agony for yj. I have seen myself look so shag because I wont eat or sleep...i just lay there in bed crying everybit of what I had. I had to cry until I fugured I could be doing something better. When i figured Yj wouldnt feel any different even if he knew how badly i was crying for him at that point in time,I decided for a change.

Since then, there seems to be nothing in life to cry about. When I think of heartbreaking incidents,I could go thru about almost any pain. Like an injection for example...I would barely feel it. Be it whether its friendship or family...I felt almost numb towards everything. Knowing that things happen for a reason and knowing that someday everything will fall back in place again...I wouldnt even bother sheding a tear unless its worth it. Unlike before,tears come like a running tap and it meant nothing,only an emotion.

Last night,it was a night filled with mixed emotions and I couldnt even juggle my own thoughts. I didnt know how to straighten out my own thinkings an it was really bad. But i couldnt cry...my eyes were completely dry. All i do was sat there..and like always,think.
Think of those stupid curfews that were imposed on me. Think of junk. Think of Sean mostly and think of what have gone wrong. I thought of my decisions and how wrong Im to be reviewing them all over again.

Then again,its been long since I felt like this for someone. At that point,I just wanted to talk to you and let you know how I feel. People ask me to talk to you but I dont know why I wont.I am pretty sure this isnt about an ego problem because Im the kind of person that would throw my dignity right smack on the ground to salvage anything,be it a friendship or love. Its about making a decision and standing firm on it because its the best for me.

I feel weak and useless because I cant do all that. I feel stupid for liking you after telling you to end it. I felt even more stupid when Samantha told me'u dont have to be in love when you are going into a r/s...being in a r/s makes you fall in love. I felt I have been shot right up in my ass instantly. Just how can I not know that? For all the things I have been thru,for all the saint moments that I 've been acting like a love guru and now I couldnt even figure that our earlier!?

Today I will have to publish this post so that I'll always be reminded of my own rashness and stupidity. Im a very selfish person,selfish enough to only think about my own good. I deserve every bad karma that life could hit me with. I'll stick with my policy now..to move on and not bringing up the past as much as I can. Love and lost is inevitable. I am just lucky to have met someone like you,so genuine and kind towards me. I dont want to expect anything more from you...I just wanna thank god now for once letting me have you.

You taught me more.